I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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