You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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