So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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