shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
