Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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