I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
