I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
