I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
