My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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