I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
