1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
