He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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