Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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