does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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