i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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