Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
