i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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