if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize