I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
