What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
