i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
