I didn't shave. On purpose
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
