Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
