i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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