where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
