i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
