our cab driver is having phone sex.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
