I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
