I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
