would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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