u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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