the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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