two words: eviction party
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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