hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
