Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
