Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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