she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
