I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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