Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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