1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
