i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
