found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
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