i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
