Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
