guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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