Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
