just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
