what day is it and did you see me today?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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