I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
