you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
