I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
