Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
