found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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