What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize