She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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