Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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