if you like me you must not know who I am
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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