sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
