I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
